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| » bad mood | |
Lawrence: What would you do, if you had a million dollars? - Office Space (1999) Today I woke up. Perhaps that was a mistake. But it's not like you have a choice. Most people wake up, after they fall asleep. When I woke up this morning, the first thing I did was turn around and sleep some more. I don't even know why I woke up in the first place, since I was obviously not ready to start the day. So I kept sleeping. But it's not the same anymore when you've already woken up once. Suddenly you hear noises, you didn't hear before. Like wind blowing or birds chirping. Don't you hate birds? I don't care what kind of bird. Whether it's the cute little one, or the dirty pigeon. I think hunters should be allowed to shoot birds in citys. There should be rewards for dead birds. If you happen to be a bird and you read this: FUCK YOU! Stop making noises outside when I try to sleep. Do I come to your nest while you're sleeping and start singing? I mean, even if people are awake they hate it when I sing. So what makes tweetie out there so confident, that people "like" those noises? You gotta hate birds. So when I "finally" woke up, I walked into the bathroom. Boy I hate the bathroom. Of all rooms, the bathroom is the most annoying. Why? Because people take a shit there, people shave their hairs there, people wash their feet there and because there is a mirror. I don't need a mirror to remind me, that I look like horseshit when I wake up. Thats why I put a picture of Mr.Ed on my mirror. That way when I wake up and go the mirror, I think "well, ugly as always, but at least my teeth are shining". The Mirror is the fiercest enemy of singles too. Not because singles are ugly, but because the mirror reminds them, that the first person they see every morning, are themself. I hate mirrors! Why is the bathroom called bathroom anyway? First of all, I don't have a bathtub, and second of all, it's barely a room. I don't know about your "bathrooms", but when I wake up every morning, I'm going to the "showercorner" or the "shithole". So I walked in the so called bathroom to take the usual morning dump. Thats when I realized, that I already know all the magazines, that are hidden in the secret toilet stash. It's funny how the most stupid magazines become interesting for you, when you are on the toilet doing your business. Suddenly even an issue of the Watchtower keeps you hooked up and entertained. Thats why it doesn't matter what kind of magazine you put it in the toilet stash, as long it's something new. One day I got so bored while taking a shit, that I read the instruction on the toiletpaper package. How desperate is that? But today, all my magazines are old. I know them so well, that I prefer to watch the wallpaper instead. It's not only me, who dislikes the bathroom. There is a reason, why the bathroom doors, of all doors are always closed. Because no one likes the bathroom. Thats why I hate people with nice bathrooms. You know, the ones with pictures in it, cool wallpapers, nice coloured towels and all that stuff. I know people, whose bathrooms look better than my living room. Thats not right. I mean come on. If I have guests, I don't want them to hang out in my bathroom. It's bad enough, that "strangers" take a dump in my toilet. They shouldn't feel comfortable in my bathroom.Do your business if you have to, and then get the fuck out of there. And stop complaining about how fucked up my toilett looks. It's not like you are Akeem of Zamunda, stupid. So I got out of the bathroom and thought about putting new magazines in the stash, so next time, when I have to shit, it won't be that boring. But I decided not to, because I was to lazy. I know next time I go for a dump, I will curse myself for not putting new magazines in the stash! It's always the same thing with lazy ass people like me. We know what "would be right", we know that "if we would do it now, it would benefit us later", but we don't. We don't believe in later. We believe in now. That's why I hate cleaning. It's not that I won't do it. I do it. But I still hate it. I really hate cleaning. I know it's necessary to some extend, but in fact, it's just silly time consumption and you get nothing out of it. While you are cleaning, you know in a week all will be dirty and messed up again. It's not like you're painting a wall, that stays that way for quite some time, so you can feel like you have accomplished something. You just work your ass off and you don't get something in return. You don't even learn Karate while cleaning up shit. There is no Mr. Miyagi who teaches you how to catch flies with chopsticks after you waxed your car. Usually I only clean up, when someone is visiting me. The higher the persons rating is, the better I clean up. Example: If a girl comes, I clean up everything. Like I'm trying to be on the next IKEA catalogue. I clean up so good, that she has to think I'm gay. If my best friend comes, I open a window. That's just the way it works. After not putting new magazines in the bathroom and not cleaning up anything, I went to my computer and surfed to google.com. I didn't even know why, because there was nothing to do actually. I just turned on the computer like it's a reflex. I entered "bullshit" just of curiosity and the first match was the bullshit generator. Funny shit! I thought..., but it turned out to be only shit. At least that was, what I was searching for in the first place, so I couldn't blame the maker of the generator. I surfed for a couple of minutes and then I decided to annoy people via Email. But they got me first. It's like a virtual Ahston Kutcher: YOU'VE BEEN SPAMMED! Sometimes I'm not even bothered by spam mails. Actualy they crack me up. I mean come on, cut those spammers some slack. You open your mailbox, and you got mails like "big black dick", or "weapons of ass destruction part 3 - anal pool party" or the classic ones like "tired of spam?" or "prozac for free". The thing about spam is, that it annoys everyone. It's the first "virus" that affects those who released it too. There is a freak who makes spam-commercials with the ultra-viagra-pill (I ordered some of these by the way. Just in case...), but he get's spam by the guy who inventeded the hair-growth-pills, who on the other hand just deleted the mails from the inventor of the penis-enlargement-pill. So basically, spam is obviously the dumbest way to annoy people, ever created...no wait, it's the second dumbest way, the first would still be movies with Lorenzo Lamas. Talking about annoying. I just woke up, and my girlfriends calls. me: "yeah?" she: "hey, you're up already?" me: "no, i'm the answering machine and someone only came up with 'yeah' " she: "haha, you are so funny...why haven't you called me" me:: "because i've been up since ten minutes" she: "what could possibly be better, than calling your girlfriend in the first 10 minutes of the day?" thinking... The wallpaper in the bathroom was interesting. Bullshit-Generator doesn't seem so shitty now. What IF the penis-enlargement-pills really DO work? I think Lamas is gay. And he is as good in martial arts, as Stevie Wonder is in Tetris. me: "nothing babe, I was just about to call you" Who ever told you, that honesty is the fundament of every relationship, was either a liar or Roseanne. In both cases, you better ignore it. If you have a girlfriend and you want to keep her, then do what you have to do. Please her! And I don't mean multiple orgasms (couldn't hurt though), I mean tell her, what she needs to hear. It's very easy to learn: she: "do I look fat" truth: you will, if you really eat all that! you: "no baby, I love how you look" she: "do you think that halle barry looks good" truth: she said the name. now I'm horny. great. you: "nah... she's ok, but nothing special if you ask me" she: "isn't it nice from my parents to invite you to lunch?" truth: sure, can I bring handgrenades? you: "i am so happy. finally they are accepting me. I'm so glad" Pay attention though, because women will try and trick you. she: "have I become fat?" you: "no" she: "come on. look at this picture from last years holiday. Don't you think I look much thinner there?" you: "well, yeah, now that you mention it" she: "so why didn't you mentioned it earlier, that you don't like how I look now?" Ok, after I got rid of that call, I went to work. As always there were no parkplaces at all. You know whats worse than "no parkplaces"? I tell you. It's "too small parkplaces"! It's like watching naked girls behind a glass wall. You can look, but you can't get in... You pass those half-parkplaces and you think, if all those cars, would have parked properly, I could fit in there twice.Thats when you decide, that you will break some of their antennas later that night AND you will use up two parkplaces with your car when you get home. When you're at your work, there is sometimes the point, where you ask yourself "did I really stand up for this shit?". It doesn't matter what job it is you are doing, unless you are in the adult-video business. On second thought...if you are, you have problems with "standing up" aswell, so I guess it's true for everyone. That is, because you have a certain profession. If you're an actor, your profession is acting. Sometimes even an Hollywood actor just don't want to act. Perhaps he wants to write, to sing, or to wax a car. If you are a professional car-waxer, there is sometimes the point, when you just get sick of waxing peoples cars and you wish to be a lawyer, a cab-driver or a ballet-dancer. Today is one of these days. I'd rather wax ballet-dancers, than to do my job. So I counted the minutes, till I was able to go home. When I arrived, I broke like five antennas and parked my car like I'm owning the street. Scarface is nothing against me! I got home, threw all my clothes except -my boxers and my t-shirt- in a corner and went to the toilet. Sitting there I noticed, that I didn't put any new magazines in the stash... Boy what fucked up day! |
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| © Etienne Gardé am 21.07.2004 | |